Anyone willing to give a reason to hope/live? Losing the fight.?

Question

For the past, what is it now, 8-9 months (though you could take it back further to when I missed something I didn't find out about till later) everything seems to continue to snowball. I keep telling myself it can only go up from here and that I've hit bottom, only for something else to go wrong. And I've pretty much given up on signs after they have repeatedly given me hope and then have crushed me over and over again (so yes, that means I have tried to look for the positives in things and some of them were so blatant that it was honestly like, "What are the chances?" But I guess. Extremely. High.). The hardest part? That I keep giving, but nothing seems to come back and it's a very very draining feeling and it's not like I'm looking for something in return [when I do things for people]. So I guess, I feel empty now. For the most part, I feel like I go unnoticed a majority of the time (maybe because I'm half expecting it, I don't really want someone to say, (You know what, little box next to the screen, it should be good that I have a lot of PUNCTUATION!) "You don't go unnoticed because I found this.") There is one thing in my life that I want to complete, but everything that I've been having to deal with takes me away from it (I would love to check out of this reality).
Also, (side note) no matter how much I love to run, etc. emotions attached to it have made it painful at times as well.
I can tell you that I am extremely talented and naturally gifted at what ever I do, but that just doesn't seem to do it for me anymore: with all of that comes more pressure and a ton of potential; sometimes, I wish I didn't have "all the potential" and "abilities people would kill for"- I can pretty much remember anything and everything, which causes me to analyze to death -though math and sciences came easy-, musically gifted, extremely athletic, and a talent for writing.
You can say, "You have all to live for."
But I have been feeling very unfulfilled. I force myself to go out when there is nice weather just because I don't want to waste it and feel like if I don't, I am. And it. Bothers. Me.
People find me easy to talk to and I can get along with just about anyone who is willing to talk, though, that doesn't mean they (emphasis on they) will stay my friend for some reason (and I am an extremely generous person, but cursed with friends who are only friends when there's an interesting story or want something from you). And I love to inspire people if I get the chance, though the chances seem to come few and far in between.
My ability to pretty much remember everything, I think, will be the downfall of me, unfortunately. It's hard because you remember that people say they will do something only to have them not and it then raises the question on whether or not they remember or just don't want to and I am that forgettable(even for the most random of things that I have no use remembering).
For a low point, you know those weird questions, "Would you rather die from a volcano or be frozen?" that kids would ask you when you were young- I've given some thought to it, I choose poison by sleeping pills (maybe that was a bad thing to write down).
If you read this, thank you for your time, it is appreciated and maybe you'll be a revenant (interesting, Yahoo doesn't know this word). On the flip side, I hope this wasn't banal and I apologize for wasting your time.
But, I am struggling and can't deal with it anymore and if anyone has any advice, please, I implore you to write it down. And please don't say that I am having a mid-life crisis, with lack of fulfillment. I'm unhappy and every time I try to make things happen instead of waiting for things to happen, everything just ends up worse, even when I hope for the best. I feel like I am in a dream and I just want to wake up.
(This doesn't have to deal with the question per se but, does anyone else not understand why it's such a tiny box to type this in? (I observe the most random things usually.))

Answer 1

The reason I answer this is because I know how it feels to experience that feeling of being alone, having no one who really seems to be there for me. It's a struggle. I have put many ideas through my head as to why some people are the way they are with me, and sometimes it's just that I haven't noticed what is really occurring. It was said to me before, "there is nothing as queer as folk." -meaning people say things often they don't mean. So, when I hear someone has said something it is sometimes not what they would have said to my face because it was said in frustration.



That aside, my reason for living, although much has gone wrong, and lost, I know that I am becoming a better person, learning to keep my love alive. Perhaps the part of me that wants to die, is only those parts of me that are bad. It is the things of darkness that call me to death. It is the beauty of love that calls me to live. I will not die for any wrong I have done, because that is what it would have me do. I will allow my failings to fall away from me and die. I will learn to love myself with happiness.



If I were not here, I would no longer be able to have a positive impact on the people I meet. I would be lost. I would be a memory of one who gave away potential. I will live through the times of hardness, and endure. I will feel my sadness, because it will make me stronger. I will have tears, and feel better sometimes for having them. I will turn my thoughts into good thoughts. I will master my thoughts and stand stronger.

In this life we can learn to control our thoughts. I realised that I had a story in my mind, where I was telling myself the same story, and those thoughts were not true. I had a note book to record my negative thoughts. I would challenge them, and ask myself if they were true. I realised they were not.

I also kept a gratitude book. This book was my help. I was thankful for so much. I realised I had become unaware of basic things in life I should be thankful for. I now look to be generous to people. There are so many people we can help out there. Each small act makes a difference I believe. Without giving away so much it leaves nothing for ourself. We need to be happy and good inside before we can help another.

So much time and effort goes into appearance sometimes. People don't stop to think about the inside. Our thoughts, our self-talk. Think about the now, the power we have to be at peace.



I enjoyed listening to songs about hurt and about strength. I enjoyed listening to talks on the moment of now, because now is what is real -the past has gone. The now makes the future. Youtube had some good meditations. I enjoyed the bible. I enjoyed reading what God has for me. What hope His call holds for us. How He wants us to be encouraged.



I hope some of this helps.

Answer 2

I recently experienced this similar domino effect of my life over the last three years. I understand what you mean by draining and when the hits continue to pile like that and you're trying to figure the next thing out, it never seems like there is time to deal with the emotional toll these situations take on a person. I understand suicide, as a human being and the conceptual peace it idealistically plays to a depressed mind, but I very firmly believe that as a white, middle class American, I have absolutely no business defining suffering. I have been through a lot of trauma and I have been violated in ways requiring a trilogy, but if people, internationally, can experience first war, famine, sexual and physical abuse, obstruction of universal freedoms, etc... who the hell am I to cop out?



That train of thinking aside, what I did instead was go down an incredibly self-destructive path which only led to more problems.



In the end, I made a decision to start over, because it was the only option I was left with. I told very few people, but those I told couldn't help but deliver the old adage, "you cannot run away from your problems because they will follow you."



Those people were wrong. I moved to a new state in a city I knew no one. I found a job I enjoy, began seeing a therapist (really out of blanket curiosity, I've always loved psychology, but never cared for the idea of its professionals... but it doesn't mean you have to accept their every opinion as a self truth), and very recently I was given the opportunity to experience a healthy relationship for the first time in... possibly forever.



I'm not saying the skies are blue, the rainbows are shining, and the birds sing me awake in the morning; I still have problems. I still have things that were simply a part of my life that I have to deal with. But by making a few decisions and controlling a few factors in my life, I was able to take back just enough control to see a silver lining, and I hope you find yours.



I'm sorry you're experiencing this and I hope you find some small peace.

Answer 3

Well, though I have little knowledge about you and your life, I suppose I can speculate based on the well-written question you provided.

It appears to me that, just as I was not able to discern from reading your question several times, you lack your own understanding of what it is you want out of life. Am I to assume that you have lived your life in its entirety with the sole intrinsic motivation of obtaining praise from your peers? I highly doubt that, but it seems to be what you focus on. If it is the injustice of your generosity not being met in full where you'd expect it? - Then why continue to be so "generous"?

It is also my hope, based on your vaunt regarding how well you get along with others, and your generosity towards them, that you possess a distinct personality of your own, as opposed to simply shifting your personality to be most suitable for whatever situation or people you are dealing with. Without a distinct personality, no one you consider friends, is truly your friend, they like what you create at the time, or offer them, as like you said, they listen to your stories as the appeal. I used to act in a similar way, until I removed myself from feeling the need to require other people's sanction to live my own life. The rewards for me could not have been better - I choose to retain few friends, but those I do are my friends for my personality alone, there is no extrinsic motivator factored into it. In that environment, you get out what you put in, and you put in extrinsic factors, just as you get them out of your "friends". It is built on them after all.

I also question whether your rhetoric of significant self-praise of your ability is entirely justifiable. You have worded even negative statements into a personal self compliment "My ability to pretty much remember everything, I think, will be the downfall of me, unfortunately." I have encountered people like this before, and while if it were true they would have earned my respect, and I would be delighted in conversing with them about a vast array of topics, when I actually get to know these types of people, I am extremely disappointed. I am humble in all things I do externally, even if I am internally confident in my ability, and this way, people are surprised when I show them my ability which they had previously no idea about. In your case, if you were to constantly praise your own ability, and then show me you are actually completely incompetent, then it not only makes me want to not be your friend, but actively creates a dislike by me towards you. It shows me you are delusional, and if you cannot see that then you are entirely worth forgetting, for there are many minds who have the ability to reason in its entirety I would find preferable. Not saying this is the case for you, but your vaunt was considerable. I respect and admire you for it should it prove true, you have demonstrated a caliber of intellect through your writing alone few would match on this site, and society at large.

Beyond that, in direct response to your question, the reason you should continue to live is simple - The alternative to existence is non-existence, that is your basic moral choice, thinking or non-thinking. I choose to live for regardless of the difficulties life may present, it is always preferable in my opinion than the alternative of oblivion. Few can truly comprehend what death means in the loss of your mind, and they would be terrified if they could. Life is important, you're intelligent, and do not seem to possess any critical flaws which prohibit you from adapting to a new life which suits exactly what you want from it.