About to check out...?

Question

I'm 26 and just graduated college with a respectable, albeit not quite top of the class, GPA after a very successful internship with high employment prospects in exactly what I want to do. I've been very athletic all my life and have been told I'm good looking. I don't have a plethora of friends but the ones I have are like family. My IQ is two points above what is considered genius level by the most recent testing standards. I have everything in life going for me. And yet I can't make myself even want to get out of bed in the morning. I fail to see a reason to try any more.

All I can see in myself is failure at every turn. I look in the mirror and I see someone who makes the Hunchback of Notre Dame look like a Hollister model by comparison. If I told a girl the same things I tell myself when I look in the mirror she would probably start cutting herself out of depression and it would be considered extreme emotional abuse. Every time I find a girl I like the dates seem to go well and yet without fail it always ends in a blindside with no idea of what happened to trigger the sudden turnaround. I yearn for love but don't feel like I'm ever going to find it which has led me to become a cynic on the whole idea. I've been seriously used in the past to the point where the words I love you are now immediate red flags and mean run for the hills because you're gonna get stabbed in the back. To top it off most of my friends are now getting married and many of them have a kid already. So they're enjoying the married life and I'm still the lonely video gamer virgin too rejected and hurt to try again.

I constantly dwell on what I perceive to be my failures at the internship and attribute my not hearing back yet on the job to the idea I have that my supervisor resented me being there.

I really want to see positives in life but I'm struggling more than usual on that front.

The main constant I've ever felt is that I have a trusting relationship with only one parent. While my mom has always been available and supportive of me I've never felt quite like I ever have had or will have a solid relationship with my dad. I feel like I'm his little freak and mistake because he looks own on me so much in comparison to the other five. Mostly because I've struggled with ADHD my whole life and have a need to be medicated just to function and he opposes medication in all but the most extreme cases. To this day he still treats me like a child incapable of making decisions on my own.

I've felt this way most of my life. I can remember in kindergarten wanting to die although I was better able to cope for some reason. After two and a half decades of dealing with this I'm running out of strength to fight this. It's been agonizingly crippling depression and I've found myself curled up on the floor in the fetal position more than a few times bawling my eyes out. I pray and ask for help but I'm beginning to lose my faith because nothing seems to be changing. That's probably the hardest thing in that I've already gone through this process once and don't relish the idea of another rock bottom conversion.

I've got a freshly filled bottle of anti-depressants sitting right next to my computer right now and the idea seems so tempting...so rational. And people probably wouldn't even notice any lack of communication from me for at least a few weeks. Maybe even a month or longer if I play cards right. I just want to fade away in to nonexistence and let everyone who ever feigned caring realize I was right and that the world is a better place without me sinning against God with every breath because I'm stealing something from someone of more worth and value to society. Then they could just forget I ever existed and move on with their lives.

I've never tried to cope through substance abuse. I don't pollute myself with tobacco, drugs, or booze. I turned to porn years ago and that's only made things worse. But thankfully I've been able to ween down considerably over the last year and a half.

I can't do this any more though. I can see the light at the tunnel's end and it has this clarion call to it...this siren song I can't turn away from. I can't take this to anyone any longer. My parents are tired of it. My siblings are scared of me when I bring it up. Friends are done with hearing about it. Can't afford counseling. Right now the only thing holding me back is a promise I made to a friend to never go through with it but my integrity is failing on that promise rapidly. I've run out of hope and see nothing going. Any advice would be appreciated. I'm clinging to the last fray of my last rope right now. This is literally my last reaching out attempt for help before I clock out.

Answer 1

Please take a turn, wherever there is a turning point in the road to your life.

Answer 2

You've been doing something, or every thing for someone or everyone other than yourself. Better get out and do something for you. 'Checking out' is a selfish act. Have you ever tried to do some good hard labor? Maybe on a slow day you might go to some day labor place and go and do work with your hands and see how the people you are working with handle their lives. Just do it to observe. You probably have a path that you can travel and enrich your soul with, but as you see it that path is blocked. Climb it. You might be on a rich adventure.

Answer 3

Please call a suicide crisis hotline NOW.



They will listen to you without judgement and help you put things into perspective.



Please call right now.