I've had enough of my anxiety, I can't even work without having anxiety attacks...?

Question

I've been dealing with anxiety, OCD and slight depression for about 5-6 years now.
I'm 20, have a fiance and live with his parents.

I had a job as a carer in one of the worst places ever, I worked long hours, over worked myself, was under weight and malnourished because I stressed so much, anyway...I stuck that job out despite the health issues and my anxiety but then I couldn't cope with the bills on my own so we moved in with my fiances parents...after 3 months more I just couldn't cope, I don;t know why but I had to quit.

I was then out of work for ages, it was a long time (about 10 months)

I then got a job at a new store opening, worked 42 hours in 4 days (done it before) but then the day before the store opening, when I knew I would be dealing with public etc I couldn't handle the anxiety again and quit.

Now I've started a new job cleaning and on my second day we had to clean a 'lodge' by ourselves, with no help etc I started cleaning, I was still extremely anxious but tried keeping it together, when about three quarters of an hour passed and I was no where near finishing I was getting more and more worked up, worked into a 'frenzy' and on the verge of an anxiety attack. I had an anxiety attack, had t find my supervisor to tell her, also tell her about my disorder in case she didn't know...She told me to 'calm down' and do what I could do...

So I went back to my lodge to finish cleaning but I was still so anxious/panicky, a girl popped her head around the door and because she finished her lodges and it was her last day, she said she's help me.
Now if it wasn't for her I would of never finished it.

Anyway I went home and now it's coming to Monday where we'll have to work quicker and do 2 lodges...I'm crapping myself...I was when I got out of work Friday.

I came home late tonight with my fiance as he wanted to go out and he went nuts telling me I was just a quitter, I'm a baby, I can't handle life, he can't deal with me anymore, I'm stupid, I need to man up, told me I was lying, using anxiety for excuses, faking it etc etc

...he also said if I didn't man up and if I quit this, our relationship was over and he was kicking me out.

I've started self harming again recently, been having my suicidal thoughts as well and after all he said to me I started planning to end it all, looking up different ways, seeing if the knife was sharp enough.

I have been to the doctors and I had my second therapy session for my Anxiety and OCD last Wednesday but I just can't work in pressured situations...

Why can't I be normal, not have an anxiety disorder and OCD...

I do want to work but it just goes pear shaped every single time.

I just don't know what to do...
I don't know if my fiance will wake up tomorrow, sober and hung over...apologize and see what happens from there.

Do I go back to the doctors and tell them I've gotten worse...or wait until Wednesday to see my therapist and tell her I've started harming again, my anxiety has gotten worse and see what I can do about it...

Sorry it's a long question but I just don't know what to do, see docs, see therapist, admit myself into a mental hospital for a bit (I do question my own sanity)

If I wasn't here then I could finally relax for the first time in years, I just want to end it most of the time...

Why can't I just handle life, why can't I be normal....

Answer 1

You've got guilt, shame, and anxiety about having anxiety. Like there is some day when it will be princess perfect? No, you're going to have crap until you forgive yourself for being human. Thoughts like piranhas eating you up.



Your explanation reminds me of someone with high functioning autism, getting hand flappy under stress, not just a couple disorders. Maybe less caffeine to keep level?

Answer 2

First, nobody's really normal so why try. Second, studies have shown that a diet insufficient in magnesium can cause anxiety and depression. Here's the suggestion, change your diet and you can change that anxiety. And proof, me, I've suffered all my life and I don't so much anymore, just on occasion have small bouts that are much more manageable.



Magnesium rich foods include spinach, green beans, cashews, almonds, pumpkin seeds, tuna, beans, cornmeal.



And reduce caffeine, sugar, breads and pastas - they all work as stimulants in the body and can cause anxiety. Read up - you'll benefit by the change, trust me.



http://www.anxietynomore.co.uk/food_and_anxiety.html

http://www.vaughns-1-pagers.com/food/magnesium-foods.htm

http://www.umm.edu/altmed/articles/magnesium-000313.htm

Answer 3

well I have delt with the same problems for many years. plus bi polar and schizophrenia. sounds like to me you need a vacation and some help. what helped me was being admitted to a hospital. I was there for 2 weeks and it really helped me. they gave me some medicine to help and there were people to talk to. its like a little vacation away from reality trust me it helps. plus after that you can see a therapist for extra help and sounds like to me you have a rough time working. If i was you I would apply for Social security income. i was able to get it and it really help me out. dont feel useless or pathetic because you cant work. its ok. social anxiety is a major problem and it cant be helped. just admit yourself to a hospital, tell them your thoughts and get things going. i wish you luck and hope.

Answer 4

sweet heart if god wanted to make you super skinny he would have, things happen for a reason (good and bad) i would love to be skinny but i can't because i'm super fat but i wouldn't become life risking skinny. go out, order a steak, get some ice cream,eat some popcorn at the movies. i don't take this lightly i worry about people i can help dont work out (i know that sound crazy but listen to me)



great luck

- graceyn (like the boy name greyson)

your in my prayers

god bless you wounded body