Can you please make me feel better about telling?

Question

I never say no, so when my mom made me see a therapist I said I didn't want to, but when that didn't work I just went and sat there and smiled. After awhile I thought maybe if I got something out there it would help me to feel better. See, people are always coming to me and telling me all of these secrets, then after I talk to them about it, they say they feel a ton better. I never understood how they could feel better after letting someone in on something personal, but I thought maybe after all of these years I should try it and see.

However, I feel absolutely awful. I hadn't thought of wanting to die in a bit (it's against my religion to commit suicide so I just had to put it out of my mind), but I really wished I could have after this. So, I told this therapist that I have an eating disorder. But, when he asked more about it, I lied and told him a fake reason for why I do it (I gave some textbook answer, so now it sounds completely lame), I just couldn't bring myself to say the true reasons.

I'm so disappointed in myself for telling someone about the eating thing though. I know I let myself down, and I feel like I failed God by telling. I don't even deserve to have an eating disorder, because I told (luckily, he told me he can't tell anyone, but, still, he knows and that is mortifying enough). It is stressing me out so much. I am never going back. I finally just told my mom that I am done, I said it nicely, but she finally is letting me quit.

Can someone please make me feel better? The guilt over telling is making me really sick. I just want to forget I ever told someone, I'm such a failure, I should have believed myself when I said it would be bad for me to ever open up to anyone (I know that sounds selfish, but I do love to listen to others, so it's not like I'm spreading the "don't talk" message.).

Thank you for reading this!

Answer 1

You are simply coming out of denial Jen, and it hurts and it feels shameful, and it is really scary.



I didn't want to tell either, and when I did I lied about the reasons because I still "had to" keep part of it secret. Why? So I could still have my disease all to myself. I wasn't ready to give all of my disease to anyone - just in case I needed to fall back on it. Deep down I felt like the secrets about why I did it were too important to give up. I someone knew the whole truth, they would make me do something about it.



I felt torn in half. I wanted to be honest, but I couldn't be totally honest. Not at first. I felt like if I gave up the secret I would be betraying my self and someone else.



When I started to give up part of the story I felt exactly like you, that I betrayed myself and God. What I couldn't know yet and I wasn't ready to hear yet, is that my eating disorder had replaced God. It had become my god. My life revolved around it. The lying, hiding, pretending, denying, where I would eat, how I would eat, what I would eat, who I would eat in front of, weighing myself, looking at myself in the mirror, being so afraid to gain, being excited to lose weight, hating people that commented on my weight or how much I ate blah, blah, blah. My whole life revolved around my disorder. All my thinkin was focused around me and my disorder. I took care of it, I hid it, I lied for it, I threw up for it, I lived for it. That's how it got to be my god, that's how I served it. With all my mind, body and soul.

You want to leave your doctor because you're a little bit terrified that he'll pry for more information and that if you told him the whole truth you would panic. You wouldn't be able to get the words out of your mouth. If you tell him you give him power over it, to do something about it, you're letting someone in on it that will take it from you. It will feel like your world is ending. Your world with your eating disorder will end.



That's why you say "I don't even deserve to have an eating disorder, because I told...I feel like I failed God by telling, I'm so disappointed in myself for telling...the guilt over telling is making me really sick...I just want to forget I ever told...I said it would be bad for me to ever open up to anyone..I'm never going back...please make me feel better...I just want to forget I ever told, it's not like I'm spreading the 'don't talk' message..."



Don't panic. Everything is happening just the way it should be. It feels so wrong but what you did was right, telling is the right thing to do.

Please, please believe me and take comfort in that.



Telling is okay. Telling will help you get well. Telling is what we need to do. Please go back to therapy Jen. Your doctor wants to help. Your mother wants to help. Stop telling them no. Say no to the eating disorder, you will, you are trying, you made a giant start, now please trust in the process of recovery. I made it. It was hard and I was scared out of my mind, just like you, but I made it, and you will too, dear child, you will too, you will be okay and you are okay and wonderful and very special. God Bless you on this journey to health and recovery.

Answer 2

Hi Sweetheart. As a therapist, I can tell you that I would not judge you for telling me that, I would not be upset for you telling me a "fake" reason why...it's so hard to open up and share things like this with someone. In fact, most of the time people come to see me, the don't tell me everything on the first visit and it's really common for people to kinda, sorta tell me things in a round-about way. I'd love to talk to you more about this and if you want to, come visit me at FeelBetterNetwork.com - I will be online all day tomorrow and we can chat. Just FYI - FeelBetterNetwork.com has free online support groups, free tools, and an Ask An Expert feature, where you can talk to an expert therapist online. Hope this helps you!

Answer 3

If you have an eating disorder, you NEED to tell someone and seek help!!



Don't be embarassed with a psychiatrist- they are SUPPOSED to know people's deep, dark secrets! Just be an open book, and let it all out. Think of him as your own human diary!! PLEASE go back- going to the psychiatrist helps mostly everyone who TRIES! You must try to let it all out, so he can help you. Remember, he is not there to judge you.



Let all the reasons behind your eating disorder come forth. People DIE from eating disorders, so this is a SERIOUS matter. Seek help!! He will do everything he can and will value your privacy (to a limit, until/unless what you're doing is dangerous)...



No matter what, you are NOT a failure. Going to a psychiatrist makes no one a failure! It just means you need someone to vent to and talk things over with. You are just like anyone else! There's no reason to feel guilty or sick. I understand your problem, but whatever the circumstances, you need someone to help you.



Please, go back to the psychiatrist, or tell your mother, or a trusted adult, about what's happening. It's of no use to bottle up your own feelings and just lend an ear to others.

Answer 4

You shouldn't feel guilty for telling someone. And if you're still a wee bit leery about opening up to people just rely on God and talk to Him, He always has the answers to my questions and problems and always has an open ear. But don't be ashamed and don't say you're a failure, just believe and keep moving forward! :) Sorry if I didn't help much, but I know God can help ya :D Hope you get to feeling better soon, I know I don't really know you but I'll keep you in my prayers! Feel free to add me as a contact or send me an email.

Answer 5

Hi Jen,I am Mrs.Jams.I went through therapy several times in my life.The first time I went I kind of made up a few things myself.The next time i went,I came clean,and told my therapist the truth,and I told him I felt bad for doing it.He laughed a little,and told me not to worry because,I was far from the first to do that..So I would not worry about it if I was you.I also wanted to add that going back did me a world of good.Especially when I really got honest about my problems.Maybe you should think about giving it another try.I wish you the best of luck.