anonymous
2013-03-20 06:28:56 UTC
Since I have been sick all the time I havent made any friends at all and I often had to talk to or play myself. Even now that im 16 years old I practically have no friends expect a few people who i can talk to with in school (but since im not that close with them theres really no point on telling them my problems). I have never even went to any practices or trainings and never liked sport anyway. Im socially very awkward and talking to random people is very uncomfortable for me. Probably the only kind of people I can tolerate the most are people that are quiet and nice, like my grandmother. Ever since the depression kicked in everything has gone downhill: Grades have dropped drastically, I talk even less now, I sleep a lot or too little (if little then about 7 hours and if a lot then probably 10 or more hours straight), I get distracted too easily by the littlest of stuff, lack of motivation, hard to concentrate and worst of all is that I forget alot. Even a simple conversation approves to be too much for me as I simply forget what I was doing before.
I know people tell me to be positive, but it feels too hard for me. I have told my classteacher about this and she did give me some advice such as go to a nightschool but the moment I told my mom about it, she immidiately told me to get a job if I was going there. And even now I dont want to talk about school to her and only tells me to get myself together or else she will kick me out of the house. Besides her my physics teacher is even worse. He expects the whole class to write his tests like we would read it out from our textbooks but without using them. And sometimes when someone doesnt do well in his class then he will just tell a morale story or how terrible he or she is in front of the class and there is just no way of proving your point to him because he will just smile at you and then find a very logical argument to it. Even tho all my teachers know that I have depression, no one will just tell me anything positive about me afterclass and yet the physics teacher even told my mom that im just too lazy to do anything. The only place where I can relax is at psychologist, yet an hour with her after ever 2 weeks seems to be too long.
I know that it is partly my fault that I refuse to tell people about my problems, but since everyone tells me its just how life is makes me even more depressed. I have already had suicidal thpughts for a month now and I have discussed them with my psychologist, but she only tells me to ignore those thoughts. I already feel like I cant trust myself anymore and im scared of comitting a suicide yet I feel like im going to run away from home and never come back.
I just dont know what do to with my life...
I already have 2 cats and both love me, but it just gets really boring very quick with them
And appologies for making some grammar errors, because English isnt my native language.