How to handle my Aspie boyfriend?

Question

My boyfriend (he's 26) has Asperger's, and his areas of focus are music (he plays bass in two successful local bands but also recreationally plays other instruments) and computer programming (he is working toward a computer science degree). When he gets "into the zone" with this kinda stuff, I can always tell, and I know to leave him alone. Breaking his concentration upsets him. It really isn't that often he does this; maybe once a week. Once every 6 weeks or so, he'll go for 2 or 3 days on little to no sleep, and will just be absorbed in his music or programming. This is, I believe, a normal aspect of Asperger's Syndrome.

The thing is, day before yesterday he played a HUGE show. The place was packed, several of my friends came, people he had never seen before were singing his and his band's praises. He wore this great form-fitting suit that night and looked incredible, and he was just glowing with accomplishment. I've probably never been more attracted to him. But he turned down sex that night because it was late (like 3am) and his set was nearly two hours long, plus he'd had a couple beers. He promised tomorrow night we would. I accepted that and went to sleep.

Last night, we went to bed a little earlier than normal and talked about goofy, trivial stuff for a while. I tried making physical and verbal hints that I wanted to sleep with him, but he either didn't get them or was completely uninterested because we ended up going to sleep.

Now tonight, he's gotten into the zone with programming. I kinda want to let him know that I've been waiting on him for days now, but I don't want to upset him, either. He will sometimes beat himself up when he gets really into something but knows he has other commitments (i.e., me).

Lack of sex/intimacy has been an issue in our relationship before, and I don't want it to become one again; marriage is in our future (we plan to get engaged officially in about a year). But I just am not sure whether to tiptoe around this issue plus his syndrome, or confront it head-on. Or something else entirely.

Help? Advice of any kind, or what you would do in this situation, are both extremely welcome.

Answer 1

Sex is a complicated issue for people with Asperger's. As with all individuals the libido varies. I take it that you two are already having sex on occasion, which is good. Depending on the degree to which AS affects him hinting is pointless (I don't believe in hinting period anyhow). Because of the nature of AS and the difficulties with non-verbal and too subtle verbal communication I am an advocate for open, honest, direct communication. My boyfriend of 3 years has AS and it's the best relationship I've ever had in my life. For more on the subject I recommend The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome by Dr. Tony Attwood.

Answer 2

I don't know a whole lot on the subject, but I'll give you my opinion based on the knowledge you provided.



You said that he gets into the zone only once a week, or maybe this time will be in the 2-3 day range. It would probably make him the least upset to bring up your concerns when he gets out of it, so just wait a few days. That way you are disturbing him, and he won't be "really into something" and start to "beat himself up." It doesn't sound like you tried to talked to him the second night about what was bothering you, so you just missed your window there, but another will come up.



Why would you tiptoe around the issue? Things are easier when you just say what you want to say. You obviously support him a lot, and I'm sure he knows this, so you don't need to beat around the bush when talking about your issues or his syndrome. For the most part, you're a normal couple, so I'd give the same advice to anyone else.

Answer 3

No one 'handles another' you love them for



they are as a person..





Why be a couple if you don't love + appreciate each



other????



You be open + honest + communicate.....