Self injury / Self harm
A large proportion of calls and emails we receive at SupportLine are from people who self harm, the majority of whom are young people. Many of these have suffered abuse - emotional, physical and/or sexual. These callers present as having little or no self esteem, no value, no sense of worth and see themselves in a totally negative light - often reflecting that they are 'useless', 'worthless', 'a nothing'. On talking to these callers it comes across loud and clear the person they really are inside - compassionate, caring, sensitive, talented, a good listener, has a good sense of humour, is always there for others etc. It is so sad that the person cannot see that for themselves - cannot see themselves as others can see them.
Many self harmers find it difficult to verbalise how they feel, and may have blocked off or detached from their feelings of pain, hurt, anger, etc. Self harm can be used as a way of feeling something physically which they are unable to feel emotionally. It is not uncommon for a person who self harms to say they are not angry yet in reality there is often an enormous amount of anger inside which they are turning inwards on themselves.
Self harming is a way of coping - for someone to stop self harming they need to have help with finding other ways of coping, and ways of getting in touch with their feelings in a supportive environment. Anyone who self harms may need help with building up their confidence, their self esteem, their sense of worth so they can begin to see themselves in a realistic and positive light. When a person truly values themselves it is not so easy to harm and abuse yourself - when a person values themselves it is easier to start to take care of yourself, to start to see yourself in a positive light, to start to like yourself.
If you are self harming at the moment I know nobody can just tell you to stop doing it until you can find other ways of coping, and other ways of letting out your feelings and begin to value yourself. Please take time to read the following information which can give alternatives to self harm and advice in relation to keeping yourself as safe as you can. If you have been abused please take time out to read through the abuse pages on this site. You can learn other ways of coping and can start to value yourself. You may need a lot of support and help around you so please ask for it. Please don't self harm in secret, locked away, isolated and alone. Nobody should ever judge you for self harming - at the moment you are doing what you need to do to cope, to survive in the world - but there are other ways.
There are also a number of websites listed here which provide information and support for people who self harm. Many sites which provide excellent support and information to sufferers can also bring up immense feelings of sadness. It may be best therefore to choose a time to access sites when you know you can call someone or be with someone for support afterwards - even if you just need a hug or to hear a friendly voice. When you feel sad - look after yourself, cuddle up with a blanket, hot drink, cuddly toy, pet, look at photos and pictures which help you to feel safe and bring a smile to your face, you may have a safe box with objects to hold which feel good, velvet, pebbles, shells, playdough etc., and remember to access help you need to ask for it and try all the resources you need to in order to get the help you need.
back to top
What Is Self Injury?
'I think control's a big thing, when you can't control what's happening around you…you can't control pressure from outside, from society but you can to yourself.'
Self injury is something you do to damage your body as a way of managing expressing intensely difficult feelings, without intending to kill yourself. Some examples include cutting or burning yourself, bruising yourself, taking tablets, pulling at hair, or picking skin. It can go on for years without being fatal and it is more common than a lot of people think.
Self injury is used mainly to keep feelings under control, rather than to get a response from other people. Many people have difficult times in their lives and feelings can be hard to put into words. Sometimes the only way to manage the intensity of what you feel is maybe to hurt yourself. When hurting yourself becomes a way of managing these pressures it means there are other things wrong in your life that need sorting out. Self injury can become compulsive - a way of coping, because the underlying issues haven't been sorted out.
For a lot of people trying to stop self injury without having any other ways of coping with problems is not realistic. Without help, feelings can build up and you can end up doing more damage to yourself. It can be frightening becoming aware of how you feel, and why, but if you can do this you can begin to work out where you mean to go from here.
It might be helpful to identify parts of your life that may be causing you difficulties:
What was happening when you first began to feel like injuring yourself.
Are you always at a certain place or with a particular person?
Have you been having frightening memories or thoughts and not been able to tell anyone?
What would help you not hurt yourself?
Is there anything else that makes you want to hurt yourself?
It's important to think of ways that minimise hurting yourself more than you intended. Using drink or drugs when you feel like injuring yourself is particularly risky.
back to top
When you feel like hurting yourself what other ways of managing could help fora short while?
Writing about how you are feeling.
Curling up with a blanket, hot drink, by breathing and relaxing.
Listening to music.
Tearing up telephone books, newspapers.
Punching pillows or cushions.
Going for a run, brisk walk, dancing, any form of exercise.
Talk to a friend - have a list nearby of people you can ring.
Keep your mind busy - to distract your mind from harming yourself.
Carry safe things in your pockets - stones, pebbles, crystals.
Get a red felt tip pen and mark yourself as if you were cutting - this may give you similar relief.
Try aromatherapy oils e.g. lavender oil and breath it in - this can help you to feel more balanced and calm.
Try elastic bands around your wrists and flick them when you feel like cutting. If you need to feel sensation when you self harm try holding ice, brushing yourself with a toothbrush
Take a cold shower
Bite into something which is strongly flavoured, lemon, peppers etc.
Use play dough to give you something to occupy your hands.
Have a relaxing bath, treat yourself.
Do deep and slow breathing.
How do you feel?
Upset… you can't keep your feelings in, or maybe you can't let them out.
Helpless… you don't know what to do for the best.
Guilty… because you can't stop harming yourself, even if you want to.
Scared… because you don't know why you do it…it's getting worse.
Ignoring how you feel… it's too frightening…you don't know what you feel or how to deal with it.
Depressed… about anything ever getting better.
Lonely… no-one seems to understand.
Trivialised… in case people think you're just attention seeking.
back to top
Are you worried in case no-one will listen?
There are lots of reasons why you could be worried about telling someone:
You might not know why you do it.
Embarrassment or shame… people might see it as attempted suicide.
Guilty… for worrying people.
People being angry with you, because they think you didn't need to do it.
Being judged… being seen as attention seeking, suicidal or manipulative rather than doing what you can to cope.
They might tell someone else… who you don't trust.
You will be made to stop using this way of coping… before you are ready.
You might not know what your feelings are; they just feel like a big pressure.
What do you find difficult about telling someone?
How do you get help?
'You've got to want to be able to do it, have the support of as many people as possible and bring it out in the open and not hide it from people'.
We all need help and understanding from other people sometimes . It can be hard to recognise when you need to involve other people. Talking to someone might help you feel more able to cope. You might wish you could express feelings more safely, or want to find ways of keeping them under control.
Try and talk to someone you like and trust . This could be a parent, carer, friend, friends parent or carer, teacher, school nurse, youth worker, counsellor, social worker, doctor, relative, helpline.
back to top
Who Can You Trust?
Write down the reasons why you should or shouldn't tell people. It can help you decide and be clear about what your worries are about telling someone.
Where and when would you tell them?
What would you say?
You could practise saying it out loud, or with a friend.
Picture how these people would respond if you told them.
Is there another way you can get the response you need?
Is there another approach you would feel more comfortable with?
Writing a letter to someone you trust may help you express what you want to say without worrying about the other person's immediate response.
Think of a plan to look after yourself if they respond in a way which isn't what you'd hoped for.
Remember the first person might not be able to help, so be prepared to try again. Unfortunately you may meet some people who respond in a way that makes you feel worse. Remember people who respond like this may be finding it hard to manage how they feel too - it's not your problem, so don't take it on. Perhaps you could try telling them they are not helping. If they don't listen, try and find someone else who will. It can take a lot of courage and determination to keep trying, but you will find the right person in the end.
If your health or safety is at serious risk the person you tell might want tocontact your parents or carer. You may need to speak to this person first about this and explain you want what you say to be confidential.
Self Injury and Suicide
'I don't cut myself to kill myself, but sometimes it can get like that'.
You might have mixed feelings about wanting someone else to help, or wanting to be left to try to control your life on your own. You might want to control when you hurt yourself but at the same time be scared in case your life is at risk.
If you know you could be in danger of killing yourself it might be an idea to write down a survival plan of what you can do to prevent this.
Who can you phone?
Is there someone you can tell?
If you can't ask for help yourself, is there someone who could do this for you?
When you feel like killing yourself it's hard to remember anything good, or that anyone has ever said anything nice about you.
When you are not feeling suicidal, write a list of what these good things are. Keep it with your survival plan.
You could also keep photos or other reminders of good times - feeling so bad will pass. These suggestions may help you through it.
back to top
Agencies which can offer Support and Information
Bristol Crisis Service for Women: 0117 925 1119 Helpline - Fri & Sat 9pm-12.30am, Sun 6pm-9pm, email bcsw@btconnect.com, www.users.zetnet.co.uk/bcsw - Focus on self injury and provide information and publications.
British Red Cross Society: 0870 1707000, www.redcross.org.uk - Free training in camouflaging scars.
Childline: 0800 1111
DABS Mail Order Book Catalogue: 01709 860023 - Wide range of books relating to self harm, child abuse, self esteem, depression, etc.
National Self Harm Network: PO Box 7264 Nottingham NG1 6WJ - Survivor led organisation, aims to bridge the gulf in understanding and to campaign for the rights of those who live with self harm. Leaflets have been produced for those who self injure and health care professionals. Email info@nshn.co.uk, www.nshn.co.uk.
Project Spear: 01793 520111, email info@projectspear.com, www.projectspear.com - Provides information and support on self harm.
SASH (Survivors of Abuse and Self Harm): Send sae for enquiries - 20 Lackmore Road, Enfield, Middlesex EN1 4PB, email sashpen@aol.com - Offer support, friendship and understanding. Allows those who self harm to communicate their feelings and thoughts on a one to one basis in writing. Free membership £5 annual fee for quarterly newsletter.
Self Harmers Support Group: 020 8591 6025 - Support and information to those who self harm. Support Group meets in Barking, Essex.
Self Help Services: (Manchester area) 0161 226 5412, www.selfhelpservices.org.uk, email info@selfhelpservices.org.uk - Run over thirty support groups for people with mental health problems or are in need of emotional support including groups relating to self harm.
SupportLine Telephone Helpline: Helpline: 020 8554 9004, email info@supportline.org.uk - Confidential emotional support for Children, Young People and Adults. Keeps details of agencies, support groups and counsellors throughout the UK.
ZEST (N.Ireland): 0287 126 6999 - Telephone counselling and other support services for individuals who self harm or attempt suicide.
back to top
Useful websites
www.aest.org.uk - Site for survivors of abuse, also deal with self harm, self esteem etc
www.havoca.org - For survivors of abuse, also deal with self harm
www.justlikeme.org.uk – Self harm site for your people
www.mentalhealth.org.uk - Includes information on self harm
www.myfriend-myenemy.com
www.ncb.org.uk
www.nice.org.uk – National Institute for Clinical Excellence - national guidelines relating to treatment of self harm
www.palace.net/~llama/psych/self
www.recoveryourlife.com - A Suffolk based Self Harm community site offering support, companionship, information, advice, forum, message board
www.selfharm.org.uk
www.siari.co.uk
www.selfinjurysupport.co.uk
www.survive.co.uk - Information relating to self harm
www.why-me.org.uk - Young people's site
www.helplines.org.uk - Website of the Telephone Helplines Association
Anger Management
Anger is a normal emotion to feel, just as it is normal to feel happy or sad. However when anger is not expressed in a healthy and positive manner it can become out of control and lead to all kinds of problems not only for ourselves but also in family and personal relationships. When anger is expressed in a negative way it can come out as being very aggressive, by becoming violent and in threatening others. This is anger which is out of control which can quickly lead to all kinds of trouble for yourself and a breakdown in relationships. Anger can have a disruptive effect on our thoughts and behaviour. It interferes with our ability to think and act clearly and can lead us to act impulsively without thinking first. Anger is sometimes used as a defence barrier when we feel hurt or embarrassed.
When anger is suppressed or turned inwards this can also lead to problems resulting in ways of suppressing the anger such as eating disorders, self harm, drugs and alcohol addictions. People who find it difficult to talk about how they feel and perhaps trauma which they have experienced in the past often turn the anger inwards. This is also expressing anger in a negative and unhealthy way.
If you feel angry you have every right to express that and a healthy way of expressing anger is to be assertive (not aggressive).
Every person has the right to:
Express his/her feelings.
To be treated with respect, and as an equal human being.
To state his/her own needs and wants.
To say yes or no for his/herself.
To make mistakes.
To change his/her mind.
To say when he/she does not understand.
To ask for what he/she wants.
To decline responsibility for other people's problems.
To deal with others without being dependent on them for approval.
To say no without feeling guilty.
Sometimes when a person is angry it is easy to take that anger out in a negative way on those who are closest to us. If you feel your anger is about to get out of control:
STOP!
Take some Deep Breaths
Count to Ten
Think of more healthy ways of expressing that anger ; take a cushion or pillow and pummel that, go for a walk or a run, do some exercise, use some relaxation techniques, meditation etc.
When you have calmed down you will be in a position to express your anger in a more positive assertive way. Your anger will not be out of control. You will also find that when anger is expressed clearly, calmly and concisely you are more likely to be listened to than if you are expressing it in a negative way by shouting, being aggressive and violent.
If you are turning your anger inwards, harming yourself and burying painful feelings, it really can help to talk and share those feelings with someone.
back to top
How to recognise when anger becomes a problem
When it is too frequent
When minor and routine everyday situations where anger is not necessary, appropriate or useful, do make you angry then it is an indication that you need to reduce your anger and work on managing your anger in a positive,constructive way.
When it is too intense.
A small or moderate amount of anger can be channelled constructively, whereas high intensity anger will make you lose your temper, to say and to things that you might regret later.
When it lasts too long
When your feeling of anger is prolonged, when you can't let it go and it is effecting and upsetting your everyday life and actions and thoughts.
When it leads to aggression
When it gets so intense it drives you to be aggressive. During this time you may act on impulse without thinking of the consequences. Verbal aggression and physical aggression are not the right ways to deal with conflict and only hurt other people, and in the long run - yourself.
Some self statements to help with anger management
What to do when you feel provoked and start to feel yourself getting upset and angry.
I can work out a plan to handle this.
This is a testing situation but I believe in myself and my ability to handle it.
I can manage the situation, I know how to deal with my anger.
If I find myself getting upset I'll know what to do.
I must take a few deep breaths and relax.
How do i confront the situation?
Stay calm. Just continue to relax.
You don't need to prove yourself.
It's really a shame that he/she has to act like this.
There's no need to doubt myself, it doesn't matter.
I'm on top of this situation and it's under control.
How do i cope with this situation?
Getting upset won't help.
I have a right to be annoyed. But let's keep the situation under control.
My anger is a sign of what I need to do. Time to talk to myself.
Try and reason it out.
I can't always expect people to act the way I want them to.
I must state how I feel in an assertive manner and not be aggressive.
There is no point in wasting energy arguing - I may just have to agree to disagree with him/her.
When the conflict is resolved.
I handled that one really well - it worked.
That wasn't as hard as I thought.
I actually got through that situation without getting really angry.
I didn't lose my temper or get aggressive.
I've been getting upset for too long when it wasn't necessary.
I'm getting better at handling these situations.
It could have been a lot worse.
When the conflict is unresolved.
Forget about the aggravation - thinking about it only makes me upset.
I need to work on how to deal with these situations.
I'll get a lot better the more situations like this I have to deal with.
I must remember not to take things personally.
I must remember to relax more and take some deep breadths.
Sometimes people have a lot of anger inside them as a result of things which have happened to them in their past - abuse, broken relationships, bereavements, etc. and maybe a feeling that life has treated them badly and unfairly. It is quite natural to have a lot of anger in these circumstances. Yes, sometimes life is unfair, unjust, sometimes things have not worked out the way we would have liked, sometimes we may have been really hurt by others. However, holding onto that anger will only damage your life in the present and the future and is probably making you a very unhappy and bitter person.
You cannot change the past, and you have one life to make the most of - it is incredibly sad if you are living that life in bitterness, sadness, resentment for something you can do nothing about now as the past is gone and you cannot get that time back. You can do something about trying to create a happier life now but that can only be achieved by letting go of the past, the hurt, the pain and the anger associated with it. If you have trouble in doing that then maybe think about talking to someone you trust about the feelings you have inside you - sometimes feelings need to be expressed and felt before you can let go of them.
You may be angry because of things which happened in the past over which you had no control. Now you can take that control back - you can choose to stay angry at the world and be unhappy and allow it to destroy you or you can choose to let go of that anger, to heal, to start life again without theanger andthere are people around who will help you to do that - so give people a chance to help if you need it. Counselling can often help people to resolve past issues and help them to move forward with their lives - to make the best of life they can or get emotional support and help from a friend or a Helpline. Life is too short to waste!
back to top
Some organisations which may be useful to you
SupportLine: 020 8554 9004 - Telephone Helpline providing confidential emotional support to Children, Young Adults and Adults on any issue including relationships, abuse, domestic violence, self harm, depression and anger. Also keep details of other agencies, support groups/counsellors throughout the UK.
The British Association of Anger Management: 0845 1300 286, www.angermanage.co.uk - Run programmes giving you the tools to recognise, understand and control your anger. There are fees for the courses but they can advise you on ways of getting help with the cost of the course.
AVP Britain, (Alternatives to Violence Project): Head Office 0845 4582692, London Office 020 7324 4757, www.avpbritain.org.uk - Run workshops throughout the country for anyone who has niggly little resentments that become grudges, anyone who gets upset at being ignored, anyone who has difficulty with anger, anyone who is a bully or is bullied, in fact, anyone who wants an alternative to violence.
Useful websites
Patient UK: www.patient.co.uk - Self help guide on controlling anger. Click here to view the Mental Health leaflets
Sort out Stress: www.sort-out-stress.co.uk - Site aimed at men includes information relating to Anger
Surgerydoor: www.surgerydoor.co.uk - Mental health articles, Controlling Anger - a Self Help Guide
www.additionalneeds.net - Provides information, activities, resources for teachers, parents, pupils, and others who have an interest in additional needs. Includes sections on anger management and challenging behavio