Did my fathers death make me stronger or am I just stuck in the past?

Question

The only reason he got sick and passed away was because I fell out of a chair at 3 months old under his watch when he was trying to find something to feed me. I broke half of my collar bone and mom got home and took me to the doctors and when they asked her who was watching me she said my dad and they said it was child abuse and he got put in 6 until about 6 months before I turned 5 so I was 4. I remember visiting him in jail and we have letters he sent to me and mom while in their saying how he promised he was going to come home, how much he loved me and couldn't wait to be my father again and do things like a father and daughter should. He promised to come home and stay home, but before he got put in jail he didn't switch his diabetes medication and ended up getting cerirous of the liver.

The same medication that is now getting lawsuits for the same thing that killed my dad. I remember the day he got out we had so much fun. He taught me how to swing, and how to swim. Everything was fine that I knew of but he was sick and was slowly dying. He ended up in a coma about 3 weeks before my 5th birthday and mom was praying he didn't die on my birthday. When he was in the coma I remember jumping on him demanding him to wake up so I could talk to him, but my mom and uncle said he was sleeping and couldn't wake up. The next thing was everyone crying and me not knowing why, and having mom have me put a father's day card and a picture of me in his casket. Couldn't have god let him live like how he saved me all those times before I was born with the doctors wanting mom to abort me and me being born 2 weeks early with only a 25% chance of living, with complications during the whole 9 months. Now i'm stuck in the middle of a battlefield with my mom and step father. I try telling mom I want to go put flowers and every time I ask she is like "oh I can't drive that far it has too many hills, ask David to take us" I don't want him to take us I don't want him to see me and my fathers grave mad and upset.

I feel like i'm mad at the whole world but then mad at me because if I hadn't have fallen my dad would probably still be here, if I wasn't being bad when I was 5,6,and 7 David wouldn't be here. I feel like everything is my fault maybe that's why everyone kept wanting me to die before I was born. I just wish I could go back in time and catch myself before hitting the ground and breaking the bone. Everything is falling apart on me and I feel like I saw my future go be super good to crumbling to dust with all that's going on. Everyone keeps saying god is testing me and I have a strong will, but everything breaks eventuality and I feel like I will soon because when I try talking to mom she says I don't want to hear it I have too much on my mind right now, you are stressing me out. When she can go over every single fight that her and him have and I don't want to hear it but she doesn't want me to know about my dad. I feel like my whole life is just a bunch of lies even though i'm 16 I know a lot more than most think. I just want to get all of this out of my system but no one wants to hear me. I tell mom that I don't want to go to the neighborhood pool behind my house because I was almost raped by a boy I knew since I was 5 who he is way bigger than me I might add, she says he can't go their anymore stop worrying. The way she talks to me I don't even feel love from her because when they fight and i'm doing something like homework and I say shut up please he tries to shut up sometimes she says no why should I let him walk all over me blah blah blah... like she doesn't care. It has gotten to the point to where i'd rather be dead because at least I would be with my dad and not be in pain anymore because i've had too much pain in my life in seems.

Answer 1

I think that you have issues in your life that should be resolved.. Yes you maybe stronger when you think of your father you may also be putting him on a pedesta.. Because we all do that when someone dies that we love..

what you need to do is stop thining so much about your father and start focusing on your life and where your going to go . Stop thinking about people wanting you aborted .Where on earth did you hear that.? it may have been because the dr thought you had something seriously wrong before you were born.. So dont even think about that. Focus on postive things not negative.. Your 16 get your life going in the right direction get a job and move to your own apartment and have a good life. Dont care what other think or do..

Answer 2

First of all, you are not responsible for the death of anyone just because you fell out of a chair. They also do not send fathers to jail because a child had an accident that caused injury. If that was so, then probably every mother and father around would be doing time. Your father was not in jail because you accidently fell from a chair. You are not facing reality if you believe that. Your father was in jail for a reason and there would have to be a lot more proof than maybe a bump on the head or what not from a fall in order for them to convict anyone of child abuse. You were very young and probably have no idea of what the true story is on this.



Cirrhosis of the liver is a disease that takes many many years to form, usually more than 10 years. Your reason that he had cirrhosis just does not make any sense at all medically speaking. He did not get it from you reason you stated. Nothing is going to cause advanced cirrhosis to form over a period of 6 months in jail due to not switching some diabetic medication. Again you are not getting the whole story here.



I don't know how old you are, but you don't need to go to the graveyard to talk to your father because he is no longer there. He doesn't live in that graveyard now that he has passed on. They go on to the other side and don't lie in a grave waiting for visitors to come and talk to them. You can talk to him anytime you like right where you are at just by thinking about him. He will hear you right there.



I believe you need to say goodbye to your father and go on with your life. You are focused on him and it's time to go on with your own life realizing that he is no longer here and you will meet him again someday. Suicide is never the answer and you won't find your dad if you commit suicide since you will end up in a very sad hopeless dark place on the other side alone with no dad around. You have no right to take your own life, and you will not find your dad if you do that. He is not in that dark place you will go if you commit suicide. I'm glad to hear you will never do that. That's very smart of you.



I lost both my dad and brother to cancer. It's very hard, but it will get easier for you over time. You will always miss your loved ones, but this is a part of life that everyone must go through at some time in their life. You just need to focus on your future and what you want to be in life and set goals. You want your own life to be a happy stable one. Focus on your education now and think about what type of work you want to do in life that would make you happy. Make plans and work towards that becoming a reality. Make your father proud of you because I'm sure he sees everything you are doing now and will be there in spirit every step of the way in your future.

Answer 3

Wow that is a really sad story. The most important thing right now is to realize that it is not your fault that this happened. It wasn't your father's fault, or your mother's fault, or anybodies fault. Sh*t happens. It sounds like you really loved your father. Know that he is watching over you from wherever he is, and above all, don't kill yourself. Your father wouldn't want it. He loves you and wants you to be strong. It sounds like you don't like your stepfather, and that's natural. You don't have to. You are 16 years old. You have your whole life ahead of you. You'll be out on your own in no time, doing you own thing. These experiences are making you much stronger, if you let them. A lot of people will tell you to just move on, but burying your feelings will only make you feel worse and worse as time goes on. You need to confront these feelings with strength. Your father is always with you, helping you. He doesn't want you to dwell on his death. This doesn't mean you should forget about him though. Always remember him, but in a positive light. Don't dwell on his death, but celebrate his life. Celebrate his love for you. Your mother does love you, but she sounds like she is damaged. Don't take her detachment personally. It's not your fault. She still loves you, but she is still dealing with some sort of mental anguish or something. Something that would help you tremendously would be to seek out someone who you can talk openly about your feelings to, whether that's a friend, relative, or even a counselor or therapist. Just opening yourself up to somebody will make you feel much better. In closing, just remember that you are loved. You may not see it, but you are. I hope my words have helped you in some way. Take care :)