I need helping letting go of past hurts in relationships?

Question

I am married 1 year to a guy who is willing to do anything for me...really great person. There are a lot of times and issues that my trust issues get in the way of things....

I am the product of a abusive childhood -- and a very abusive/controlling exhusband. I try as hard as I can -- I do affirmations, I read a lot, journal, exercise, take good health supplements and work on my diet, I go to counseling on my own --- and marital counseling......I get really ticked when people tell me "you sound like a victim" --- because if I try as hard as I can to get past it --- why criticize me if I am doing my best? I don't WANT to be a victim --- but I was. Now I try my best to take responsibility to deal with it --- but those are the facts and the cards I have to deal with. I can't magically sprout "normal" wings and leave it all behind. Its hard!

Letting go ---- of all you have ever known and what you have learned ---- feels impossible. It feels impossible to let go of a belief that has been proven to me --- over and over again. I almost feels illogical!

I don't want to take my past out on every person --- or myself anymore. I want and need genuine help. I thought I had a great therapist --- but lately, I don't feel like its helping anymore.

can anyone recommend any reading, authors, books, affirmations,etc.?

Its not as simple as you think...I am 34....I have honestly never had a person stick around in my life and actually be trustworthy until recently....not my parents, friends, exes, etc. So how do I learn to trust that my husband will?


Thank you for reading this. It felt good to write. Any advice or insight is appreciated.

Answer 1

I'm glad it felt good to write your question...there might be a clue there...



I applaud all you're doing to help yourself get out of this, it's really great, especially seeing a counselor...



I have a lot of thoughts on this, things to try; too many, in fact, to write here...but I'll suggest just one, take it as you see fit...



Try writing more; you said yourself it helped to write your question...write letters to the people you feel have abandoned you, explaining how you feel, what you think they did wrong, and just spell it all out...start with one letter, maybe the one you think would be easiest to write...the letter never needs to be sent, of course, some people even find it helpful to destroy the letter once it's written, burn it or tear it up as a symbolic ending...



I'm sure you've heard this before, maybe you've even tried it, but it's part of a process...there are more steps you can take, email me if this makes any sense to you at all...good luck...

Answer 2

I come from an abused marriage, my spouse has had more then several affairs, I love her more then life and have given her everything I could, She used me knowing I would never leave her go. What can I say, I don't trust her anymore although we're getting to old to care anymore. She's ill now and so am I. I am glad I stayed with her, I couldn't live without her. I am still a very good friend that I could have had a relationship with, there were several but, I always looked toward her, my spouse, I'm happy, it's been 54 years and I wouldn't change it, only try and love harder.

Maybe I missed something, we have five beautiful children, I still do the cooking, the shopping, most of the work around here, we share everything.

I live by S. Brown am well read in all the good psch. books. I don't know what to say. it's not in the books, it's in the heart. I have suffered greatly with a broken heart, yes, it still hurts, so many times but, I have that love that won't end.

Answer 3

Dear Kaycia: Mr. Hilton started a famous chain of hotels...three times. He started from zero each of those three times. Built it up to see it fail twice. Come with me to the 1930's. We're at lunch with Mr. Hilton after everything came crashing down for the second time. We're there to convince Mr. Hilton that the next time he will without a doubt, for sure be a permanent, worldwide success in the hotel business. Before doing that, answer a question. How can you tell that coming back from the future hasn't changed it so Mr. Hilton fails a third time? How can you be sure that "someone" isn't going to choose a destructive relationship again? How can you be so sure that "someone's" fear is a bad thing? Because of how your life turned out? That's pretty presumptuous. You don't know "someone" well enough to answer those questions because of the way you write about them. You can encourage them with your love when the fear gets bad, gets crippling. Make your life the Yahoo Answer of how to be strong through the fear. "Someone" is watching your life, not what you say. Explain to "someone" how you crashed, burned, and rose from the ashes. If you haven't done that, you shouldn't be telling "someone" what to do with their life. You can be a friend. But you can't be their way out of the fear. Don't show the way if you haven't lived the way.

Answer 4

You are right to understand that this is a destructive way of thinking and to understand that in the end, you will create what you expect in your life - if you constantly treat your husband as though he is just like everyone else in your life, eventually you will drive him away.



Dr. Phil has a lot of great self-help books. The book Self Matters helped my husband a lot work through his childhood struggles which ultimately led to a depression so deep he thought suicide seemed entirely reasonable. He got some medication to help with his brain chemistry and this book helped him work through a lot of junky stuff.



Wishing you well and good for you that you recognize that you have one life and there is no need to spend it thinking you are inferior, somehow, to everyone else.

Answer 5

Listen Dr Phil says you create what you fear. you think people will leave you so you push them away. You just need some alone time until you work it out don't take anyone else down the suffering road with you. Also I like to get drunk and tell my family how they ruined my life we don't talk for a while then I get over it.

Answer 6

People won't stick around until you let go of the past - you are making everybody who comes around you miserable. You need to get another hobby besides feeling sorry for yourself. Then you might be an interesting, happy person and people will stick around.

Answer 7

Apologize and ask forgiveness if you need to. Letting go of your past means being vulnerable. ... and over again...the demons of his prior relationships kept rearing their ugly heads! .... You do need help -- we ALL do. Where can you get help? .... I cannot seem to get past this hurt. It has been two years.