How do I deal with a sister who has Borderline Personality Disorder?

Question

She is an incredibly difficult person to deal with. I feel I'm walking on eggshells all the time when I'm in her company. Many things I say are taken personally and outrageous accusations are flung at me. Apart from that, she loves to ***** and tear other people (especially family members) apart. I try to maintain a working relationship with her but find it so difficult. Does anyone have any advice? By the way, we have another sister with whom I get on fine with but who has given up completely on this difficult sister. How do I manage conversations with her so that she doesn't get so angry and so that she doesn't try to drag me into bitching sessions which are just not my style?

Answer 1

My sister had borderline PD and had Bipolar Disorder, and was a handfull all her life. I also have Bipolar, and could not take the rages and manipulations without deteriorating. For some periods of our lives, we lived in separate states or cities, but she always seemed to follow me. On several occasions I got her a great apartment and a great doctor. She lost job after job, and a few husbands due to her personality, but always clung to me. For some reason my opinion and advice mattered, even though I was truly in fear of her rages. She only turned on me once, and I acted as if nothing had happened.



When she lost her 5th job after grad school and went on disability in 2001, she moved to where our Mom lived, 60 miles from where I lived. I had gone on disability due to bipolar and a head injury in 2004, and Cindy moved here in 2005. She made Mom's life miserable. I tried to rectify things at the wrong end. I tried to teach Cindy how NOT to talk to Mom, when I should have taught Mom how not to let Cindy tear her apart. Live and learn. Cindy had a pretty bad prescription drug problem when she moved here, and she doctor shopped and had plenty of mind boggling drugs, which actuallery leveled her out to the point of bulldozing over her emotions or passing out. Her friend Walter came 1,000 miles to visit her, and once when she passed out and he couldn't rouse her, he called 911. She was furious. Ever after when visiting, I would threaten the same thing.



I was the one person who seemed to keep her propped up in her depression and suicidal ideation. Over two years we became codependent, I had never heard a definition of borderline personality disorder and had no idea what codependency was. I felt like I was being eaten alive by her, with the constant suicide threats (our father committed suicide) and other borderline PD. I was desperately trying to keep her alive and engaged with the world. I finally got into psychotherapy to help me extract myself from the strangulating relationship. Before I could get a grip on things, she actuallery committed suicide by overdose. She mailed me a letter before she started dosing to come get her dog. By the time I got it, I had missed her by 8 hours. She was 55. Mom died of shock less than 2 days later



I am still in psychotherapy, see my psychiatrist, have a bereavement counselor, and go to a support group for those who have lost a loved one by suicide. It is slowly helping after 2 1/2 years. My psychiatrist diagnosed me with PTSD.



My point in telling all of this is that, if you threaten withdrawal or ignore her when she acts up, that will likely stop that particular behavior. They do fear abandonment. Always tell her you love her. Make sure she stays away from alcohol, illicit drugs, and abuse of prescription drugs. Get her into DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) and CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy). Make these conditions of your relationship with her. Make sure she is aware of that. If she backslides or abuses, you just have to walk away. Maybe your absence will help her get back on track. But don't be coddling her and trying to save her life. It will ruin yours. I'm lucky my husband understood and didn't abandon me. I'm not going to say that I wish I got into therapy sooner, because I have realized I was not responsible for managing her choices.



If she upsets you, tries to turn you against your husband or vice versa, runs down your friends, falls asleep in DBT class consistently, drives under the influence, engages in risky behavior, rages at you or to you about other family members, develops other psychiatric disorders (eating disorders, BDD) and doesn't deal with them, threatens suicide every week, attacks you for your (or others) accomplishments, ad nauseum, I would give her one warning before walking away.



I wish I had walked away from my sister a year before her death because by supporting her, I was weakening her, and she became very dependent on me until I broke. Then she died. If I had walked away, she would have had to fend for herself and might be still alive and happier today.

Answer 2

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Answer 3

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Answer 4

I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this but you CAN'T "deal with" people with Border Line Personality Disorder. That's a stupid name to call it because it's not borderline anything. It's a personality disorder that the psych world can't fit anywhere. Those things she does IS THE DISORDER. These people are master manipulators and all patients with psychiatric diagnosis have what they call a "pay off" associated with their particular disorder. What that means is that getting you upset and having you walk on eggshells and trying to not set her off feeds her disorder. Don't cut her off from your life because somewhere inside her she love you and sees you as the only person she can count on; but you have to show her some "tough love" too. Confront her when she does it. Tell her you love her, but your not going to jump through hoops to keep the disorder going. She needs to be on medications to help control it, but these patients are very often non compliant with therapy because making you feel "crazy" makes her feel powerful. I'm sorry you are almost in a no win situation. I have 2 sisters also one w/ the disorder and one who hates her for it. We are all adults and don't live together, so what works for me is that I'll talk to her on the phone, but won't let her go on a tear about other family members. I keep redirecting her to other topics that might do her some good. I also quit running over to her house every time she was having a crisis and she got a little easier to deal with. As much as I love her there is nothing that would ever make me work with her.

Answer 5

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Answer 6

Please know that recovery is possible. I am in recovery from this disorder and I feel awful for what I put people through. It use to be thought that there was no cure or therapy for this disorder. Now there is something called DBT. I promise you that it saved my life. If you can not get a loved one into this therapy, there are books on it at Barns and Nobles.

Answer 7

First of all I would attempt to learn more of her disorder which will help you to support her. You are a great sister. I have included some websites on her disorder that maybe of help to you. Good luck.

Answer 8

I have to agree with Mandy on this one - you are very unlikely to be able to reach your sister or make her realise she is being unreasonable or that you have feelings which need to be respected too. Set rules which you can live with and enforce them. Say you do not want to hear this sort of talk and will hang up/go home if she starts bitching - also if she blows up at you. Try to realise she cannot help being self obsessed and unreasonable but do not think this gives her the right to put you through it. She is going to get very angry and accuse you of not caring about her and being cold or even worse but you are the one who has the realistic outlook on life and relationships. If you can say 'I love you and I'm here for you but don't need the rants.' and then stick to that you are more likely to be able to cope with the relationship or you are likely to burn out and feel , like your other sister, that you cannot have any relationship with her.



The bright spot is that people with BPD often do develop a little more self awareness by 30 and can grow out of the worst of the unreasonable behaviour. If you are remaining consistant with the rules of your relationship she may come to understand that bitching about others causes her to be alone - probably a worst fear of hers? If you tell her you don't want to hear it when she is not too bad but let it go when she is out of control because you don't want to fan the fire it will reinforce the idea big dramatic scenes are the way to get others to listen to her.



Overall - look after yourself. There is very little you can do to help your sister even if you spent every minute with her being supportive and encouraging and the family of people with BPD can get very run down and depressed themselves. Don't let her make you feel guilty for putting yourself first.

Answer 9

I would treat your sister like a human being and not any different, just because some 'expert' has shoved a label on her.



For your personal development I would read the book "How to win friends and influence people" because you seem somewhat lacking in this department.

Answer 10

Often because of their upbringing, people suffering from BPD lack the ability to regulate their moods, tend to see things in terms of black and white, rather than shades of grey, and often idealise, then devalue, in relationships. They also tend to have a great fear of abandonment, and sometimes go to extreme lengths to prevent it. They often become involved in alcohol and/or drug abuse, and/or high risk activities. Closely examine the http://1-800-therapist.com/ & http://www.metanoia.org/choose/ websites. Contact the local & national organisations of clinical psychologists, therapists, and/or psychiatrists, to find a therapist who uses Dialectical Behavio(u)ral Therapy, or get a good book on the subject, and give to a therapist using Cognitive Behavio(u)ral Therapy (fairly common, and probably nearby) and ask that it be incorporated into your treatment. Dialectic Behavior Therapy (DBT) http://www.priory.com/dbt.htm & http://www.behavioraltech.com/downloads/dbtFaq_Cons.pdf Some locators are via the index page, at your-mental-health.8m.com below.



Workbooks that offer good coping skills are: Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook: Practical DBT Exercises for Learning Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation, & Distress Tolerance (New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook) by Matthew McKay, Jeffrey C. Wood, and Jeffrey Brantley, & Marsha Linehan's Skills Training Manual (a DBT Workbook). Read "I hate you: don't leave me." by Jerold J. Kreisman, M.D. and Hal Stras. Also: NEW HOPE FOR PEOPLE WITH BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER, by Neil R. Bockian, Ph.D., & The Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide - Paperback (Nov 2007) by Alex Chapman and Kim Gratz, & Borderline Personality Disorder For Dummies (For Dummies [Health & Fitness]) by Charles H. Elliott and Laura L. Smith, & "Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified" by Robert O. Friedel, & *The Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook: Practical Strategies for Living With Someone Who Has Borderline Personality Disorder, by Randi Kreger and James Paul Shirley. Try www.amazon.com for these, and others on BPD. View: http://www.sane.org/information/factshee… & http://www.2knowmyself.com/uieforum?c=sh… Check out: www.borderlinepersonalitytoday.com/main/chat.htm & www.mhsanctuary.com/Borderline/board2d.htm & www.psychforums.com/borderline-personality/ & www.ehow.com/how_2154549_find-borderline-personality-disorder-support.html & www.borderlinecentral.com/articles/bpdsupportgroups.shtml



Practice a relaxation method, daily, and when needed, such as http://www.drcoxconsulting.com/managing-stress.html or http://altmedicine.about.com/cs/mindbody/a/Meditation.htm or http://www.wikihow.com/Meditate or Yoga Nidra, (a series of easy mental exercises only; no flexibility required) on page L, at 8M.com. Hypnosis is merely a heightened state of suggestibility, in which you are better able to communicate with your subconscious mind. 85% of people are suggestible, to some degree, so you could either seek professional hypnotherapy, or more alternatives along such lines are at http://your-mental-health.8m.com/blank_11.html and see page X about BPD.

Answer 11

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Answer 12

Hi,

You should definitely attend a dog training course if you want to stop these unwanted behaviours. A good one I found online is http://www.goobypls.com/r/rd.asp?gid=572



It's really well made (it has a lot of videos), simple and effective. I recommend it.

Bye

Answer 13

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Answer 14

Set boundaries and stick to them. if she starts a bitching session... just walk away. Do not engage in her behavior. There are a couple of good books like "Stop Walking on Eggshells" that offere a lot of insight...

Answer 15

My advice would be to help your sister by removing her from her current environment and putting her in an evnironment where she will learn to be healthy and emotionally stable and be inspired and motivated to be someone who is healthy and emotionally stable.



I think that people who have mental health diagnoses tend not to get better for as long as they remain in the mental health system. It's like a self fulfillig prophecy and worse still, those who work in mental health, psychiatrist and clinical psychologist have the terrible attitude that these people cannot be fixed. What is more, those with mental health diagnoses such as borderline personality disorder are even rewarded for their behaviour by recieving welfare benefits and it become easier to just stay on that rather than work and even on a subconcious level people can feign symptoms at the slightest hint of their benefits being withdrawn.



Of course, your sister is suffering at some level and needs help, I don't deny that, but the environment she is in is probably perpetuating it and may well have created it, usually it is the evinroment and stressful relationships that causes BPD. These things are usually created by family relationship complications and often there has been some kind of abuse to some degree somewhere along the line.



I think that if she were to leave your family house and stay with one or two people who she really admires and respects, who are really nice, caring and good role models and who inspire her with a new interest, a passion that she finds she would like to pursue along with also giving back in the form of volunteering to help other people, then she would be so focused on what she is doing that she would naturally feel better in herself and she would also develop better ways of dealing with people along the way.



I think it is important she does this completely away from her family. She needs to space to learn, grow and develop without her family watching, without embarrassment and without her thinking about her family or original environment. She needs to be in a completely new and fresh environment and be inspired by healthy people she admires. There's probably no chance this will happen in her current evinroment.



If she were to remain in her current environment her behaviour will probably continue, it will effect the health of you all, she will spend her life like this until she gets to about 45 years old when she will probably start to mellow out a bit, but then she will have wasted so many years where she could have been healthy and done good things.



An interest and education:

Ok. So how to find such an evironment for her. Think about anything she likes doing, anything that makes her happy. If you can't think of much, then try and find something by leaving magazines around with these topics. It could be travel, bikes, flowers, history, sport, art, design. Then look for some kind of place she can go to pursue this further and look for people who would be good mentors she would admire. It is important for her to be around mentally healthy people who she doesn't feel intimidated by and made to feel inferior. In time she will pick up on their habits as long as she doens't have a negative attitude to block her learning and lowering her self esteem and causing her emotional problems.



Helping other people:

Try and find something she could do that would help other people. This would be good for her self esteem and self esteem really improves people's behaviour.



Sport:

Try and get her involved in physical activity. If she has an exercise routine she will feel happier. The best thing would be to join a local fittness group in the park where she can run around in a team doing exercises in the fresh air. She will certainly feel happy after doing that. Of course she'll ache the first few times, but she'll get fit.



I think that people in reciept of mental health services should volunteer and help other people so that they don't get stuck in a 'helpless patient recieving help and services mode'. It is really empowering to be in a position where the patient themselves are the ones helping and giving care to people. When working as a helper for others, it changes their self perception of themselves and improves their self esteem so much.



Doing this can literally cure a person of so called 'borderline personaltiy disorder'. If the person remains in their current evnironment and continues to live this psychiactric identity which defines them then they will never get better and will continue to drag you down.



Areas to avoid are those where alcohol and drugs are often the culture or consumed. She should stay away from that.



Hope that helps.