Everyone who gets to know me hates me eventually. even my own mom hates me now, there is something about me that pushes people away from me. I also don't want to leave the house ever. I'm so socially akward and i rarely talk at all. I sometimes blame my own mom for hating me , but i can't do that anymore, becuase even me brothers and my friends think I'm weird and stay away from me. Because of that I don't want to leave the house, plus I think I'm so stupid, I'm not smart at all. I'm not smart at anything. I wish I can die because that will make me happy, but I'm afraid of dying because god probably hates me for hating my mom. I don't belong in this life, and I don't belong in the afterlife, what in earth am I. I wish I can just dissapear into thin air and be like I never even existed at all, this is how I think most of the time. Additionally, I was diagnosed with schizophrenia 4 months ago and I was raped when I was 13. I hate my life.I also get gay sexual thoughts about my father and sexual thoughts about my mom. It's so hard for me to function normally. I can't go to university because of these compiling problems and my dad might tell me to leave the house if I take a semmester break. What to do with my life, all I do all day is sit and just breathe, I do nothing useful. enough for now