there is one thing keeping me from committing suicide--what happens when that's gone?

Question

okay, so i'm back...this time, the idea of suicide is starting to have a sweet ring to it. there is only one thing stopping me, however, one thing that has kept me in this world for the past 3 years. my best friend. i dont want to disappoint her, i dont want to hurt her. she is the only reason i have been able to hang on. but what's going to happen once she's gone? we promised to stay friends through college, she'll only be a few hours away, but what then? i might not want to move back to our little town, i might want to stay in the city. if she's gone, how will i cope? its not that i really want to die--i have no fear of it, but it surely would be a wonderful escape--but i'm not certain that the cliche lie 'it gets better' will really prove itself to me.

sure, i bet my life isnt as bad as other people who have killed themselves, but i'm just not sure i want to live anymore. depression runs in my family, i know that for a fact. i've had emotional trouble--as far as i can remember--for the past 6 years...i'm only 16. but the divorce of my parents 4yrs ago hurt me, and i've felt so alone ever since. not once, have i have a shoulder to cry on. not once have i had someone really tell me that its gonna be okay. the only friends i had during that crucial time didn't understand me, could hardly be considered as friends. i spent just as many nights crying about the divorce as i did about my horrible friends. now though, i have better friends--one who really and truly cares about me. i've told her nearly everything that has been bothering me lately. but again, what happens when she's gone? will i feel better by then? will i have somebody else? will i be able to cope on my own at that age?

i am hoping that peace of mind will come once i move out. my parents drive me insane. i am forced to spend most of my time with the woman who broke up my small family and dragged me away to a cold, small apartment. peace can only return, to a rather slight degree, when i am at my dad's house, the house that i grew up in...my mom has started dating, only a few months ago, and it's simply too much too fast. she has hardly known this new guy, and they're already engaged. they've known each other for a month and a half. he's always over, i can always hear them. i dread being here when they are. i never want to go home when i am at school.

last night, my mom talked to me about these things a little bit. she criticized me for thinking of suicide. but why is it so bad? there are only a very small handful of people who know me, even less who care, and only one of which i wouldn't want to feel the anguish of my death! i'd be glad if my parents never recovered from me killing myself! they deserve it! it is simply the price they will pay for giving birth to me when they weren't sure of their own lives and marriage. my best friend is the only one i do not want to feel the hurt. she's been so good to me, gotten me through so many hard times, listened to my every word, and that is how i would repay her?

two days ago, i seriously contemplated simply offing myself when i got home from school. i obviously didnt though. my mom was home, and i didnt really have the chance. she surely wouldve smelled the blood, heard me whimpering in pain. maybe she wouldve actually cared, maybe by the time they got me to the hospital, it wouldve been too late. i dont know. there is only one way to find out, and i dont want to face the consequences of a failed suicide attempt. i just want to end it, once and for all.

maybe i will. maybe i'll set a goal for myself. 'i can kill myself after college'. something stupid and simple that will give me a reason to live until i have a chance to make things better, while still deluding myself that the sweet end is near.

aside from my parental issues, i also have very low self esteem. not in some things, but in many many others. i crave gratitude that i do not receive. i need someone to hold me when i cry. i desire a few compliments every now and then. i am not sure i even deserve these luxuries, because if i truly did, wouldn't i have them already? if even a few? i have contemplated simply never allowing people to read my stories anymore. since they don't care enough to read them now, how would it change when i stop? even my own mom, the one person who is supposed to be there for everything, the woman in my life who prides herself on raising me so well, she cant even take the twenty minutes to read my latest masterpiece! its sickening! it makes my heart ache with unspeakable sorrow and pain! am i really that worthless? is that all i really mean to you? if you say you care so much, then why don't you act on those words!

i am not sure if this life is even worth living. please, i don't know, can somebody at least tell me how it will get better? if moving away from my parents and neve

Answer 1

I know how you feel the night before last i was on the edge and my boyfriend is the only thing that kept me alive.My best advice is to star by seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist(it really helps) then getting involved in positive activities, get good moral support,make goals (even if they seem pointless now) and things will start to get better and your suicidal episodes will be less frequent plus you will have more people to turn to stuff to look forward to and more distractions. Also i feel its incredibly sick that your mom criticized you for it you cant help the way you are and the people that love you need to be understanding, gentle,and supportive for you to make it. Just remember things will get better and just give your self a chance your still young and your life has hardly begun. Keep writing your stories and expressing your self (i know my art has saved me before) and keeping a journal ,stay active, and doing stuff for others (like charity work) might help to. I hope i helped some and please don't kill yourself its really not the only option (i know it can seem that way for me) and good luck with everything

Answer 2

You're clearly unhappy with your life right now. But as you said you'll be going off to college and then you might have new experiences, and make new friends. The cliche it will get better line isn't always true, but sometimes it does. You have to have some hope that you'll life will get better. Think of it this way. Maybe you're destined for great things, life is so unpredictable, why can't it be true? Killing yourself would only be depraving the world of what a possibly wonderful person can do.

Second as you said your life isn't that bad. Get some anti-depressants, see a psychologist, and you'll feel a lot better. Good Luck!

Answer 3

Suicide used to be decriminalised a few years in the past. You would simplest be charged with an offence when you located any person else in threat throughout a failed try. I am of path going to invite you to talk on your peers, household, your GP or even the police approximately this. The police would possibly sound a little bizarre, however honestly they have got well contacts, and direct entry to well being offerings that may speak to you approximately your emotions. I understand... considering I've performed it. It particularly does support.

Answer 4

i have been diagnosed with depression too. to be honest i know how difficult it is. but please death is not or ever is the answer, i know it sounds great but think of the friend you'll be hurting. i know people won't always be there for me but i just gotta find the people who are (in your case your best friend.) so basically go to a doctor because they will give you help, possibly even medication, and find someone who you can talk to. someone will help you, and one day you will find someone who gives you that attention that you are worthy of. as for you mom, move away for college? until then think of your best friend and get some medical attention. hope this helps.